Decked-the-Fuck-out Hummus

I brought this to my aunt & uncle's for Christmas this year. None of the carnivores ate it. Dicks.

Ingredients

1 cup dried chickpeas (or 1 19 oz can, you lazy bastard)
1 head of garlic, roasted and squeezed out
minced fresh rosemary (like a tsp or something)
a little extra virgin olive oil and lemon juice (1/4 cup each?)
some tahini (maybe a tbsp)
kosher salt (to taste)
sliced almonds
kalamata olives
paprika

Directions

Cover chickpeas with 3" of water and soak over night. Drain, cover again, and boil for about an hour, or until they are tender. Drain and set aside to cool.

Blend the first six ingredients, garnish with the last three. Make that shit pop. It's hummus. Not hard.


Serve with pita bread; or, recreate your favorite scene from Two Girls, One Cup.


Suggested Album Pairing


Cosmic Christmas, Eban Schletter. Dude from Spongebob Squarepants and Dead Man's Bones made an album about a military satellite that discovers the true meaning of Christmas. And his primary instrument is a theramin. I've actually never heard this album, it just sounds awesome. If you know where I can get it lemme know.

Tofu Spring Rolls

My grandma likes these.

Ingredients


canola oil

1 lb extra firm tofu

Chinese five spice

kosher salt

~3 tbsp hoisin sauce

~3 tbsp crunchy peanut butter

1 tsp rice vinegar

1 tsp sesame oil

~3 cups shredded cabbage and carrots or cole slaw mix

rice paper spring roll skins

fresh mint

Directions


Drain and place tofu on several layers of paper towel on a dinner plate. Put another plate on top of the tofu, and center a heavy book on it. Leave in the fridge overnight to dehydrate (facilitates frying). Cut into slices or 1" cubes. Heat 2" of oil on medium in whatever it is you fry shit in. I don't have an oil thermometer, but if you sprinkle water on it and it spits like an angry camel, it's ready. Add tofu in batches and fry until golden and crispy. Remove, drain excess oil, and sprinkle on five spice and salt.


Mix together hoisin sauce, peanut butter, vinegar, and sesame oil. This could be used as a dipping sauce, but I mix it in with the slaw so it doesn't fall out when I eat it. Once the tofu is cool, stir that in too.


Take a sheet of rice paper and soak in warm water until soft (~30 secs). Spread out on a plate. Place tofu/ cabbage mixture in the middle of the skin. Put a few mint sprigs on top. Roll the part closest to yourself over the mixture, keeping it tight, and fold the sides in. Continue rolling forward. Rice paper is self-adhesive so it's pretty hard to fuck up.


Make only as many as you plan to immediately eat. Spring roll skins get drier than a nun's vajayjay if refrigerated.

Suggested Album Pairing


Sung Tongs, Animal Collective. Perfect for whatever you're rolling up, especially in the springtime. I don't judge.